Motherhood Series with Gemma Willing
IN HER WORDS
Featuring
Gemma Willing
Japan, Karuizawa • Mother of Coco (5.5) & Bruce (Almost 1)
I met Gemma at school, she was a day girl, I was a boarder, and even then she was the one who lit up a room. Witty, warm, energetic, funny, a drama girl who has since carved out a beautiful career as a voice over artist (Gem did the voiceover for the entire Mumsly App a companion in Motherhood to create a sanctuary of calm, strength and confidence). After school, she continued working towards her love of drama at WAAPA. After graduating she made the move from Perth to Sydney later moving to Brisbane with her partner Jon at the end of 2017. Returning home when her daughter Coco was young.
Our reconnection was pure chance. Our girls, born only days apart, ended up in the same pre-kindy gymnastics class, and just like that, a new chapter of friendship began. There is real power in what children quietly offer us, common ground, shared rhythms, a reason to slow down together.
In the years since, Gemma has become one of the mothers who has quietly shaped how I want to mother. Playful with her kids. Calm in the meltdowns. Always holding space and truly encouraging everything that makes her children unique. She is also, secretly, my kids' snack-fluencer, and one of the most generous champions of my creative work. Watching her welcome her beautiful boy Bruce has been a joy, second time around, deep in the sleep deprivation, and still showing up for the rest of us with so much heart.
Gemma when writing this was living in Karuizawa, Japan, with her partner Jon, Coco (5.5) and Bruce (10 months). What follows is her honest, open answer to the question of what motherhood has asked of her, and what it has given back.
Here is Gemma, in her words.
When you think back to the moment you became a mother, what do you remember most clearly?
I felt relief, a calmness and a steadiness I hadn't felt before. A blissful, all-consuming, selfless purpose.
The relief that Coco was out, safe and stabilised. We had a rather traumatic birth with Coco, after she was resuscitated and spent a week, during COVID, in NICU at the RBWH in Brisbane, the day she came out and stayed out with us was the best day ever. We cried tears of joy, relief and happiness that our baby girl was going to be okay. It was the warmest feeling, and I'll never forget it.
So I'd say my clearest memories were of relief and, finally, a calmness, like I could breathe again. I also felt proud of us for getting through that together.
What surprised you about motherhood that no one really prepared you for?
Instantaneous protector mode. That instinct that kicks in, that would do anything for her cubs, sometimes rationally, sometimes irrationally. It is fierce.
The sleeplessness. I was told I'd be tired, and I vaguely understood it from a lot of nannying work back in the day, but no one can fully prepare you for just how bone tired you'll be. What then surprised me was my ability to manage on a triple shot coffee, and sometimes those blurry, exhausted days were some of the best and most joyful, because I wasn't putting any pressure or expectation on myself to "do" a lot, other than be present and get through the day.
Also, that sometimes the nights can be lonely nights. And, mastitis. That sudden beast is not discussed enough.
Lastly, that feeling of wearing your heart outside your body. No one can articulate that feeling, or make you understand the gravity of it, until you're in it and you experience it for yourself. It's surreal, momentous and quite terrifying at times.
The new sensation of vulnerability is also surprising, so exposed and revealed, not just physically during birth, but in every way imaginable. Emotionally, metaphorically vulnerable. I think I am a pretty strong person, and yet becoming a mum totally undid me, in the best way possible.
In what ways have you grown or changed since becoming a mother?
Becoming a mother has changed me to my core. I see myself very differently. I am proud of the mum I am, and proud to be their mum. I don't think I had ever felt this kind of pride in myself before having kids.
My perspective on image, weight and health has changed dramatically too, for the better.
My tolerance for BS is very low. But my patience is the highest it has ever been, because becoming a mother takes the lens off you. I think that, in turn, makes you less self-focused, and so I have more time.
What is a small, ordinary moment with your child that feels deeply meaningful to you?
When Coco randomly asks me for cuddles. They're out of the blue, and the best. Also when she tells me about her day at school after pick up, and the little conversations we have before night time books each evening. It's like she needs to "spill the tea" on everything that's on her mind before books, which can take longer than expected, but my goodness, it's special. And when she holds my hand. That'll always be precious to me.
With Brucey, right now it's the moments where he's discovering new things. I adore it when he looks to see my reaction, or to see if I've clocked it too, that moment when he catches my eye, smiles, chuckles and continues on. It's everything.
What does love look like when you're exhausted?
Usually it's about my actions rather than my words. I'll do a yummy snack plate and set her up with a favourite movie so I can rest, or make a coffee and sit down for ten minutes. It's the silent cuddles on the couch, and quiet time together that's just enough to reboot my jets a little.
Is there a daily ritual that grounds you in this season of motherhood?
Coffee would be it for me, right now. We're currently living in Japan and are quite a drive from any local cafes, so for me, it's the early mornings with Brucey, before Coco is up, boiling the stove top kettle, getting out the press, and making that delicious first coffee for the day.
Another daily ritual is trying to put my phone away for certain periods of the day. It's helping me be more grounded and present in general, not flicking my mind between different worlds, and consequently not giving my kids my full attention. That scattered feeling. It's easier said than done, but it's a very conscious work in progress.
What do you feel most proud of in your motherhood journey so far?
The first thing that comes to mind is feeling proud of myself, in hindsight, for how I handled my grief in losing my Dad when Coco was 8 months old. As a first time mum, in the thick of COVID, and unable to travel to his funeral in Tasmania, I was a mess. To put it mildly.
I'm proud of myself, in hindsight, for throwing myself even deeper into the mum bubble. Coco brought me so much joy in the depths of grief, turmoil and severe sadness. I'm proud of myself for getting through that really hard time, and pouring my love and focus into her and our little family. It was the biggest blessing having Coco in our lives at that time.
I think I'll forever be proud of myself for "getting through" it, and still managing to laugh, be present, and totally immerse myself in my new world of motherhood and family life. She gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude, for her, for my partner Jon (the rock that he was and still is today), and for all the precious people in my life. My blood family, and my chosen family, my forever friends.
What kind of legacy, emotional or otherwise, do you hope to pass on?
The biggest legacy I want Coco and Brucey to feel, is our love and support. Always.
A few main ideas and lessons I value: to always be true to themselves, to embrace their uniqueness, to follow their hearts, both romantically and professionally, and to chase their dreams that they envision. To know that now and forever, they are loved unconditionally by Jon and I.
And finally, a legacy of resilience. To know that there will be waves in life, to ride them, to do their best, and to never, ever, ever give up.
If you could speak to yourself at the beginning of motherhood, what would you say?
There's a lot I would say.
Try not to worry so much, you're going to be a great mum. You will be okay. It's all meant to be. Trust your instincts, because you will surprise yourself in ways you never even considered. Stop being so hard on yourself.
Enjoy the now. You have these pockets of time, these precious encapsulated moments that can shape both you and your babies' lives. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Take a breath. You've got this
You're so lucky to be a mum, to be called a mum, to live this life as a proud mum. Don't go wishing away the tricky moments so much that you forget to see that the best times of your life are happening right now.
There's a sentence Gem writes that I keep returning to: "becoming a mum totally undid me, in the best way possible."
I think that line holds the whole truth of this season. The unravelling. The remaking. The way our children, without trying, hand us back to ourselves a little softer, a little stronger, a little more sure of who we are.
Thank you, Gem, for your honesty, your tenderness, and your unwavering ability to find the joy in the middle of the hard. You make all of us want to mother a little more gently.
Love and Kindness,
Kirst x x x
GEM'S PICK
Written by Kirsten Herbert
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